Thank you to those who stopped by last week. I’m glad for a new Sunday and a new Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sundays. This week I am continuing to share my WIP from last week. As a reminder, its my foray into straight science fiction, future dystopia. Tentatively called The Discarded, the story takes place in the future, after a great environmental devastation. The world splintered into guilders who live in wealthy, protected cities, procreate through genetic engineering, and have developed telepathic abilities and the Tribers who live in the wild, foraging for food and clean water. The Tribers were on the verge of destroying each other, when the Lore, a contract dressed up as a prophecy emerged, promising a savior and lay down laws to govern coexistence. The Discarded is the story of the arrival of the savior. We start at the beginning, where we meet Chakir Ng, the father of the savior to be.
Here is the last line from last week. His mother was stealing her childhood as she had stolen his. The story continues on from here.
She opened her copy. Her black curls bobbed against cheekbones that were sharp as razors. Magdalena’s exercise regime ran her so hard she couldn’t keep any weight on. “When the tribes were fertile once more, and peace lasted between them for at least a generation, a child would be born, to the lead them to union. The paladin will be known by a mark—the cat-o-nine-tales running from the left shoulder blade across the spine. One to unite them all, and through union, to take back that which the cities stole.”
“Excellent, Lordes. Now show them the mark. Let them see the living Lore,” Magdalena’s smile reminded him of a cat with its paw in the cream.
Lordes stripped, standing proud and erect in her nakedness.
Anya would be so proud of her, Chakir thought. Body pride characterized her tribe, not his own. He wished Lordes could know her mother. His heart skipped a beat as if it could not work right since Anya died.
“Could I get a mark too,” one of the girls in Magadalena’s classroom asked.
“No, only I can be the Paladin. It is your privilege to follow me,” Lorie’s eyes sparkled as she gazed down on the other children, using her height and that sense of entitlement Magdalena bored into her, until Chakir imagined he could smell the superiority of her.
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Interesting snippet this week.
Thanks, Iris.
You’ve done a very good job showing her to be proud and dominant.
Thanks, Ed.
“Smell the superiority” . . . What a GREAT line! Loving this.
Thanks, Nancy.
She’s too proud and superior for my liking.
That will change. It is part of her story arc.
Hmmm, on the one hand this child appears to be “the one” but on the other hand, there’s just something about the whole situation which makes me feel there’s a surprise or an unexpected wrinkle ahead. Great snippet! (I feel sorry for this kid, I must say.)
Well spotted. There is quite a lot going on. This is my most ambitious story ever. Its both challenging and satisfying to write.
That’s a lot of responsibility and power for one person to deal with.
Too much. That conflict will be part of her story arc.
So much going on. I wonder if Magdalena hopes to rule through this child? I suspect Lorie will be capable of biting the hand that feeds her. Intriguing story. 🙂
Thanks, Teresa. Magdalena has her reasons, but not to rule.
I’m having my doubts about this savior. Sounds like her father does too. Interesting twist on “the chosen one” trope.
She’s a bit smug now but I have a hunch this will not last. Great imagery.
Good hunch and thanks.
She has a sense of the great place she will hold in the society. I only hope she will be able to survive it. I did feel sorry for her father, though. Interesting story premise.
How does one survive being the hope of others? Its one of the questions I’m exploring here.
If she’s too haughty, no one will follow her. I hope she learns before it’s too late.
She will get knocked and have to figure out how to folks to follow her.
Your visual descriptions were intense. Nice.
Thanks, Sue and thanks for dropping by.
She’s very proud for sure. Very nice excerpt.
Yes, she is too proud. That will change.
I’m wondering if the mark is natural or if it was… created… by Magdalena.
I’d say spoilers, but the truth shows up a few paragraphs later. Magdalena did create the mark, which reverberates through the story.